issit normal to feel this way most of e time? i really wonder. it may seems strange or rather weird for others, but i'm not contented by what i had now. i hav always known that i wanted something more. i was never happy. never contented by things involving me. i found my happiness in helping others & laughter from friends but that has greatly slowed over the last few weeks, everyone's dealing with their own problems.

i hav been looking for something else. i thought about a search for God. that didnt get me far enough, religion isn't for me. keeping everything in, smiling for show(sometimes). creating an alternate universe all to myself, where i can smile through the worst. this is my new happy place(am i really happy?) and it's fake reality. i even find a smile in knowing i thought too much before i sleep at night becuz i feel the same pain as she did(i do hope so...) alot of what i write is about her. lets be clear, she's just someone i really respect, look up to and had chemistry on. you will probably never know her name. names complicate things. names make things less personal.

i do want her to watch me as i grow(i know i'm old enough but its the process), encourage me as i struggle(i'm now., its going deeper and deeper) and it reminds me of how good it feels to see her and times spend together. she could hav done that but it's not as simple as it seems. things are rather complicated, reasons to back it up. well, i'm rather exhausted. cant push any further, it may be untimely during this few weeks. next thing it's gone. how could this happen to me? i wonder. i may be talking too much, crapping lots but this's how i'm. bye...